why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
