I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
