life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
