Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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