What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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