Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
