we have pet lesbian snakes
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
