Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
