Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
