I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you would pick up someone in the library
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
