Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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