...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
