sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
