I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
