Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
