i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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