I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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