If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
