I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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