she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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