six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
