it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
