I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
