No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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