the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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