You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
