You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
