i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
