I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
