So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
