I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
