U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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