i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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