Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
