So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
