he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
