dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
