I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I would ride that face into the sunset
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
