she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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