I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
