Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
