I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
