Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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