Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
