he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
