I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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