Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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