Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
