I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
