Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
May the power of my ass compel you!!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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