I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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