Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
