hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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