So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
