why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
